swiit--candy.blogspot.com

2007-10-24T17:03:00.001+08:00

Not posting a blog post makes me feel so uneasy. But when I want to post one, I have no feeling to do so. Hmms, the feeling is wierd though.

I'm back to normal and now, my heart feels so empty. It is still filled with love and many other things but, I just feel that I have nothing to sacrifice or do for. Hmms, should I go back to that life? I don't know. All I want is, PLEASE LET ME HAVE SOMETHING TO DO FOR!!

I love him very much, and I miss him so much that he appears in every moment of my life. It is 'o' levels examination today; we can't spend time like what we used to be. Hms, I'll wait, until 6 november, when we resume our relationship..

I find it difficult to be now. I'm too calmed. There are no wild emotions running in me. I find it too hard to adjust. It's too bored..

Thrills, fun, and other many things that I usually does, it's not in me anymore. What's wrong with me? I don't want to feel this way. It's too peaceful. I'm too used to my screwed up life. I'm too used to constant torture. I'm too used to this. I'm too used to that. I'm too used to...

Well, I want to find old self back. I want to live the life I used to live.

I'm always dreaming; when I'm getting a new phone, when I'm getting my mac laptop, when I'm getting a totally transformed gadget experience, when I'm... There are too many desires that I want to have. All costs money. Haiz.. I'm broke!!

2007-10-23T18:02:00.001+08:00

I have changed my template totally. I want to laugh right now. I've been changing my template for like 2 weeks once? Hahas!~

I added a more better song this time. More soothing to the ear, rather than the techno music. Hahas!~

2007-10-21T12:59:00.000+08:00

I've managed to get hold of my emotions now. It's not as wild as it was before. But, I can say, those emotions are very suitable for making a music. Lols!~ I'm insane.

I have given enough thought of many things that have happened. All the things that have happened, I asked for it. Hmms, well, I'm not going to change that fact. All I can do is, stay as what I am. I'm still feeling fine with who I am.

I prefer dark. It's where my emotions truely show. I don't want to fake like what I usually does in the light. Nothing is the truth when it is on the light. DARK is my favourite.

Perhaps, modern society changed me barhs. I'm more open-minded.

My eyes are getting better, I must thank my computer for that and curse it because it only heal the open parts of my eyes, not the covered parts. I have red spots where the lids cover those parts and white spots of the openings where the rays of the computer screen shines on it. Hmms..

I'm getting fine right now. Both my relationship and my emotions. Stability is maintained, but it will not be for long. Another relaspse might haunt me again..

2007-10-20T10:44:00.000+08:00

My life is far too complicated. I've seen what most adults see. I've experienced what most adults don't want to have it. I'm just a mere teen 15, and my life has entered the world of adults.

As for him, we've somehow patched. However, I'm still thinking deep inside whether is it a FORCED patch? Is he patching up with me because I want to hurt myself for the break up? I don't know. I've been trying to get an answer since last night.

Hmms, I'm still not sure yet. I'm going to ask him after his 'O's. Why am I still so thoughtful at this moment? It's his exams, not mine! Well, I don't know. Perhaps I'm just too kind to people, that's why I'm always receiving all the hurt in the end.

I still can't forget all the times we had together. How he saw me trying to run away from home. What are our ambitions. I can't forget all of them. When I finally found a guy that faces somehow the same fate as me, I simply won't forget it.

He knows what happened to me, he knows what's going on with me, and he is trying to help me. Is that love? Or is help? Or is that out of his responsibilty? I don't know.

But, one thing I'm very sure of. I still love him as I loved him in the past. I don't really wish to lose him. It's easy to get involve in one relationship, and it difficult to get out of it. Hahas!~ How sarcastic, I can "laugh" at this point of time and to others. I never liked smiling. In fact, I hated it.

Many can say I've changed alot. This is what I longed for since I was young, to be able to neglect everything and live by my own way. All the happy faces and smiles I've faked in my entire life are just to make people happy, as I was not happy with myself. Now, things have changed me alot. Smiling and satisfying people are not what I want to do. I'm sick and tired of it. I prefer to be alone with the guy I love the most.

Speaking of that, I plan to use the 1 year waiting period to see whether we got true feelings or not. I had a pact with my parents, not to get involve in a relationship after my 'O'. Since it's been this way, I'll wait for one year, he'll also need to wait for one year. After that, we'll be together for a short period of time and he goes NS. Another 2 or 3 years..Hmms.. Fine, I'll wait.

My emotions are running wild, that explains why there are sudden happiness and sorrows in my words. Okays, I'm fine with that now. I'm just a lunatic to people as no one really dares to enter my world, except him.

2007-10-19T19:33:00.000+08:00

There is only one sentence to describe today. SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN!

I asked him a question yesterday. "Do you want to live in the past or the future?" He couldn't answer. Well, I gave him one day to think about it. Today was the deadline. He asked for a break up though. I found it hard to accept. I didn't know why. I had this instinct last night that it would happen. I just didn't want to face it that's all. Now, it really happened. I'll try forget him.

I lost control when he told me that. I kind of scolded him and chided him for playing with my feelings. How silly I was. Now, my heart desired to forget him and BY ALL MEANS, I will! Hurting myself, doesn't really help. Nothing is worth me liing for.. Everyone has abandoned me, I'm all alone in this world.

That always happens though. I'm always alone, I'm always empty, I'm always a FAKE. I fake in my smiles, I fake in my professionalism; I'm not great like what people think I am. I'm just an outcaste, where no one wants to get close to me, just because I'm filthy.

He brought my smile back, now he's taking it back. I don't think I will ever smile again. Nothing is also worth for me to smile. Destined to be alone, I'm resigned to that.

I have pills to end all this. Shall I take it? I don't know. I can die in many tortutous ways, I can extract my eyes out, I can slit open my wrist, I can be abused by guys, I can abuse myself mentally, I can abuse myself in over A TRILLION ways.

I don't want a FORCED relationship, hubby. I will respect in what you've decided on. I'm fine with it although, I might be hurt. Love hurts; it's so damn true.

ALL MEN ARE JERKS. They are never worth living for and to be with. I'll just stick to my previous lifestyle and be immersed with my music. It's only in that type of world, I'll never get hurt anymore.

I don't understand why he can hurt me so much. This hurt is worse than my first ex. I thought that after so many hurt, I'm immune to it. My second ex was not that hurtful. This one hurts so much. I'm better off dead. I'll just eat all the pills available in my room and rest in peace. No one is to grieve for it as NO ONE EVEN CARE FOR ME! No one will ever know I'm dead also, coz I'm an outcaste.

2007-10-18T12:34:00.000+08:00

My mother was not feeling well and she needed to work later on. I just realised how much I've hurt her and how much I loved her as my heart aches when I saw her like this.

I can be as rebellious and wilful at times. All these were drawn back to what happened during my childhood. I found that people who had a terrible childhood would have a complicated lifestyle when they grow up.

Not only he had a terrible childhood, I had one too. No wonder fate brought us together. Besides us, those who had a terrible childhood, experienced the same thing. Well, that's life. I can't blame my parents for giving me a bad childhood.

Now, as I grow older, destiny is now controling me. I might end up being someone's slave barhs? hahas!~ I'm not going to care. All I know, I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT IT! Hahas!~

Long post irritates people, and I'm going to do that. Born as a happy and cheerful girl with no worries, the society and world changed me to a girl who neglects what happens in her surroundings and only the world of music and him penetrates to my world. I never want to smile when I'm with people now. I never want to show my emotions to others. I never want to voice out what I want to people. I don't really care what is happening around me. Nothing can revolve me, except the things that made me alive.

If I can just grow older quickly, I can go to whatever place I want, do whatever I want and no one cares about me. I can go out be a night girl and my parents have no authority over it. I can also leave home as and wish I like. Haiz, I'll need to wait. Haiz...

2007-10-16T09:08:00.000+08:00

15.Oct.2007

I went out with my hubby to the clinic. I told him at 1pm we would be meeting each ohter but I arrived earlier. It was 12.30pm when I informed him. He took a long shower and came down. Hahas!~ It was raining then..

We went to the polyclinic with him; he wasn't feeling well and WHEN I INSISTED HIM TO SEE DOCTOR, he refused until I asked him umpteen times to do so, he finally agreed. Hmms, it was a long queue ahead of us. We waited for one hour and a half just to see one doctor. Hmms, many things happened during that time. Hahas!~ Something funny I would like to point it out. My queue number was 2541. I saw 2451 and said, "It's out turn!" Lols. It was just a mismatched of the numbers in my brain. Hahas!~ Waited for a long time and finally, it was our turn! Entered the room, it was a guy doctor. Hahas!~

He was the first one to be assessed by the doctor. He was diagnosed with a common cold. Hmms, okays. That's a relief. The doctor suddenly made a remark. "Is she your girlfriend?" He said "Yea." Lols!~ "She also sick huh?" He defended me,"No, she had a different sickness."

After that, we went to get our medicine. Hmms, paid for the fees and deciding where we were going. CAUSEWAY POINT was the final choice we set on. We went together and walked around. Lols!~ I was finding for the couple ring. Hmms, I remembered the colour of the shop, but I forgot the name. Am I lame? Hahas!~

Suddenly, in the early afternoon, my mother called me. She said I was lying to her and all the crap. Haiz. I don't care about my surroundings, all I really care is HIM and my music. They were the ones with me when I needed them the most. After she called, my mood was totally affected. Haiz..

Calls kept coming to me and I just wanted peace with him! I wanted to sort my thoughts and decid what I want to do next. Should I go home or not? I decided, no, I'm not going home. Home is just another test for me to see whether I am living or dead. I told my friend, I'm staying with you, can? The deal was agreed on and I didn't leave the place yet. I still went out with him. I'm a girl who is headstrong and stubborn. If I want that objective done, I must get it done no matter what happens. Perhaps, that was the reason whyI kept upseting my parents and breaking the family apart.

[end of the day post]

They can choose not to take care of me, they also can choose to give up on me. I'm ready for that. I don't want to be making them angry just because that is my lifestyle. Going out and coming back home as and wish I like is what I want. I don't want to be tied down because of my parents and miss out all the fun.

Well, life is never been fair or great for me. It was great and instant and torturous in another instant. My lifestyle, hahas, my parents will never agree to it. Nightlife, going to nightclubs, getting to know of more friends that are more thrilling, blasting music out loud, doing stunts, and many others thrilling stuff, they will never give me a chance to do it. Their reason, "IT'S TOO DANGEROUS!"

That is in their own view. My view is the more dangerous the thing is, the more thrilling it is. I can also grow up from the times I fall down or not succeeding it.

Hmms, I guess I'm just a MERE 15 year old to people. I'm not that simple or innocent anymore. Reality changed me, and now, I'm devilish and forever likes thrills. The only thing I wont' dare to do yet is..getting hurt by the bike. Lols!~ I'm working to it right now.

I can't believe that I'm typing with my eyes closed. My eyes are sore and the virus has infected not just my eyes, but my brain. I think let it be. I'm not going to do anything about it. It's best that I leave it as it is. Let it infect me and DIE!~

I'm thinking, if I'm dead, how about him? Well, that changed my mind. I'm going to get well because of him. My life is burning alive it's because of him. He brought my smile back. I never felt happier than that. Although, the only moments I really smiled was when I was with him. Haha~

My eyes were forced shut as there was a sticky glue sticking to it. It's antibiotes. My body was resisting to the virus. Let it be, it's normal anyway.

I was wondering, how he managed to turn and twist his words and answers to make me so happy. He's a great strategist. GAMES! Play more games to practise it. Hahas!~ I seldom play them now. It's kind of too easy for me. I want something more thrilling and challenging. Hahas!~

I asked myself why I love him so much. The reason was simple. He made me love him so much. Hahas!~

My life just sucks at home. All my emotions are trapped in 4 walls of in-home prison. They are not exposesd to anyone, except him and my music. When one day, I show it out, I don't know what the world might react. Hahas!~

hubby,

i'll always love you under whatever circumstances.
I'm willing to wait for you for 389 days,
and another 720days.
A total of 1119 days we will be waiting to be together..
Each test of time is difficult and I'm prepared to face it!
Let's wait and our reward will be fulfilling forever....

2007-10-15T09:49:00.000+08:00

I woke up by my mother's call. The moment I opened my eyes, she said, "Rub more of your eyes and your eyes are swollen." Hmms, true as my contact lenses were unclean, it caused my eyes to be sore and infected. Haiz. I guessed I wasn't suitable with the solution barhs. Haiz..

I checked my eyes, the flap of my inner eye lids were red and very bloody. I actually didn't want to go and see a doctor but after seeing how red my eyes were, I changed my mind.

Later, I will be going out with him. He is sick and I insist he go and see a doctor. His 'O' levels exams are coming. Together with him, I also need to see a doctor. Lols!~

Early in the morning, as soon as my parents were out for work or interview, my brother and I went wild. He switched on the computer and play his computer game; I switched on my computer, turned on the speakers LOUD and blast the whole house with TECHNO music. I didn't care what my neighbours will say; all I'm concern is the world of music..

I really wish want to mix a music, but I'm not given a proper program to do so. Haiz. My computer always lag me. How I hate it! Can I just get a MAC laptop quick? I really need it to satisfy my hunger of music..

20october2006. My cold war between my dad and me didn't end. Today, my anniversary of it continues and the images keep flashing back. All the emotions are coming to me without my notice. The only time I won't think about it is when my speakers are blasted into MAX volume and it's creating BIG sound waves of techno music in my house. Lols. I'm going to turn my house into a music ClubStudio. Hahas!~

DARKladdie is feeling blue and worried. MUSIC, OCCUPY MY WORRIED, BLUE MIND AND SOUL! Don't ever let me feel any emotions in this pathetic world. I just want to feel the rthym and the beat of the music..

2007-10-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

I've finished recording 49 songs today. However, I can't rejoice yet. There are still 105-49=? songs for me to record. Haiz.

Well, I'm contented with what I have. Hahas!

He's not feeling well, and I'm damn worried for him. I'll make sure he goes to the doctor tomorrow. I don't want him to suffer the torture of the sickness. He said that he always get well through the real process of sickness.

It's late now, I need sign off!~

2007-10-14T11:15:00.000+08:00

Supposingly, I am with Nanthini and him. However, there are many things that are not confirmed yet, so, the shopping is cancelled. That doesn't affect me though. As my personality changes, my limit of patience increases. I ignore what is happening outside my world. All I'm concern is the things that are happening in my own world and his world. You can say I'm self-centred but, I don't really want to care on how people see me as or treat me as. I'm sick of tired being under other people's nose. It's time for me to lead my own life with my own style..

Finally, hubby got back his phone. Hahas!~ Because of him, my world is rotating. Before him, it was stopped by the past. My life was empty and it wasn't complete. I had no views, no love, in fact, there is nothing in my world that existed. It was colourless. I was just a zombie. HAHAS!~

Life is not great yet, it will be great if I'm always with him. Thank god he have medication, that makes him feel better...

2007-10-13T21:58:00.000+08:00

I've changed my blog totally. It suits my lifestyle. Dark, and alone. I prefer to be this way. My music has changed too. I love it so much, I've been listening to it since 6pm..

He's not feeling well and I'm very worried. He's suffering from a fever and a sore throat and he still drinks coke. Haiz. That damages the throat. I want him well and not him to be hurting himself.

Tomorrow, is my day out with 2 people, Nanthini and him. We're going shopping together though, I really want to go out alone with him, just to spend minutes alone together..

I know we're young for relationship and young to be alone, but the thing is, we truly love each other. Many adults might think that it is temporary. CAN A GUY HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL FOR 3 YEARS? I wonder what will be their response.

My parents are not bothering me anymore. I used the computer for very long and talked on the phone for a long time and took afternoon naps, in fact, I'm doing every single thing they forbid me to do, and now, they seem to ignore me. Well, I'm fine with it. I'm more contented if this is happening to me..

Today, a anniversary of my DAY. I wanted to cry, but nothing comes out from my eyes. I can't cry when I want to cry. The only person available for me is..my music. Music turned out loud and I was crying inside my heart.

At least, he told me for his sake, don't feel so sad..

Well, life i always like that. I don't care about the world, neither the world seems to care about me. Only 2 things bother me, HIM and music. That's enough for me to survive on..

2007-10-12T20:59:00.000+08:00

The world of music amazed me. It has changed my life totally and affected most of my principles of life. Life is not about being nice to people or talk sweetly to guys, though I do that sometimes. My life should not be distracted by other people's stories or philosophies, but my own principles and stand. I live my life with my own style and not by other people style.

My way of life is my world of darkness..

Only when I'm in the dark, all my worries and sorrows will be diminished, and my true essence of my life is shown. I like the dark, as it gives me all the negative sides of life, which it is what I've been looking for.

Inspiration comes from the dark too. It is when all my true emotions comes. I've combined two worlds into one, music and nightlife. The end result of the combination is..IM A DARK GIRL. Perhaps, I should choose DARKladdie? lols.

Hmms, being in the dark side of life, it's more dangerous. It suits me best, I LOVE CHALLENGES AND THRILLS. Sex, money, drugs, music, stunts, life and many other "punk" stuff are common in this type of life. Well, there are many dangerous situations there but that depends on how I solve it.

Now my hair is short, I can't make a complete makeover of it. I need to wait. Well, it's ok, by the time I can live this type of life int eh FULLEST, the hair is long enough for me to make a makeover. I also might have enough money to buy clothes, and other things.

I also can learn many new skills, like doing IT works? Hahas!~ I've sure got a long list of things to buy. Well, I need to work to get all the money. To add on the stress, before I reach 21, I need to get a saving of $100000. It is to secure my life when I'm out in the world.

Although I'm just a mere 15 year old teenage girl, I'm thinking of getting a rented place to live on my own. This place shouldn't have any furniture. All I need is a low level table, a bed(japanese type) and a closet. It should be air-conditioned too. Hahas!~ I like that life! It's cozy and I can reach for my things easily. I don't intend to get a house as it's just wasting my money. I need to do many household chores to maintain the house. Unlike having only one room, where you need to clean only a small portion of the house and everything looks perfect. Hahas!~

My rented room should have everything. Bed, laptop, computer, toilet, refridgerator, closet, and my SOUND SYSTEM! Most important is that. Mixing and modifying music is my life!

MY LIFE IS IN THE PROCESS OF REVOLUTION! MOOD SWINGS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME!!

Music, nightlife, games, thrills are a part of my life now. I HATE WHEN ALL THESE THINGS ARE ABSENT!

No matter how much I've changed, the heart that love my hubby stays. I'm still devoted to him though. Hahas!~ 2 more days before SUNDAY. Our date. I CAN'T WAIT! Love you lots..

2007-10-09T18:58:00.000+08:00

I woke up late today for school. I was feeling so tired and dozed off while I was talking to my friend over the phone. Lols!~ SO SORRY! I didn't mean to.

Hmms, I delibrately woke up late as I didn't feel like going to school. My classmates would be having questions aimed at me. Well, that didn't happen. Instead, I was the one who aimed the questions at them. However, I went to find Mrs Ambika for help first as she was the only most accurate answer she could give me. I didn't understand statistics.

I felt irritated when I asked people question and they would give me a annoyed face. If I could spend time helping them, why they couldn't? Well, I'm not asking people to repay what I've done to them. I'm just feeling abit of annoyed when I don't use annoying faces to teach them but they give me instead. Hmms..

I learnt something. Never help anyone, as no one is as kind like me to help others. They only think of themselves and are selfish and self-centred.

During the exams, I fell asleep. The damn invigilator was scolding me just because I ate sweets. I need sweets to let my blood regulate, so that I could have the enough energy to do. Well, I fell asleep and could do the paper. hahas!~

As for the geography paper, I forgot many of the facts and concepts. I was helpless. After I finished the paper, I wrote a poem.Hahas!~ It's abit of critisim but hope you don't mind. If you mind, then you don't read.

God creates life,
destroys life,
and creates death..

But, what about our Mother Nature?
She was the one who constructed life,
and did massive cleaning too..

So, Gopd is not the one that creates or destroy life,
but he is our father of destiny and fate.

However, God does not exist at all!
Only Mother Nature truly exist.
Fate and destiny is created by us,
and only we can take control of our lives.

If one day a guy tells you,"It's fate."
You reply,"No, it's me. I created my own fate and destiny."

Life and death can be predicted,
but never to be prevented or to make choices from.
Our birthplace, birthparents, birthtime and how we are born,
are not our choice to make.
But death, though it is said that it can't be avoidable,
we still can choose when to die.
Definitely, it is not our choice we will make to solve a problem.

Live your life to the fullest
and enjoy the sweetest essence of like.
After death,
let's explore space and depart Earth in a new adventure..

Hahas!~ Tomorrow is Amaths paper. BE SURE WE STUDY! Let's all be promoted to 4express2oo8..

2007-10-07T20:46:00.000+08:00

It's 6 days since I'd last updated my blog. So sorry guys! Hahas!~

Many things have happened. Especially in my relationship. Hahas!~However, I'm not going to talk about that anymore. I don't want any unnecessary rumours about me due to their misconception of my post. Hmms.

Day by day passed. Exams by exams passed too. My pen was damaged while I was writing my essay in my English paper on last Tuesday. I quickly made an excuse of going to the toilet and bought a refill. Phew!~ That was close..

As for my Chinese paper, the only thing I knew was to score in copying the passage in my comprehension section. Hahas!~

I lost my pile of books while I was buying a drink. I left it on a bench and was paraniod. My Physics paper was today and I couldn't study because of my lost book. I kept no notes though, my book was the only reference I had in my revision. GOD DAMN IT! I came back home with the usual practise, SCOLDINGS AND NAGS!~ I hated that. I went to my room, thinking of how to solve the problem. I thought of asking him for help so I messaged him. He replied me and said he would lend me the book. Lols. My da was brightened up. =)

He came to my house and gave it to me. I overslept. He was outside the door waiting for me for a very long time. Hahas!~ He called me to wake me up. LOls.

I studied hard and I managed to handle today's paper. That was close. Hahas!~ At the last few minutes, he messaged me. I was still having my exams! Lols. I replied him sneakily. Telling him I was about to end liaos. I had a temptation to ask him about convection. Hahas!~ ChEATing IN EXAMS..? not my style..

I went to meet him. Returned his books, we chatted too. Hahas!~

I came back late. Now updating my blog. I had no mood or time to do so right now. I had to study! It's 4pm now..signing off!~ I LOVE YOU!

2007-10-01T17:28:00.000+08:00

Last night, I was about to sleep but I couldn't be immersed into the darkness of sleeping. I tossed and turned on my bed, thinking of him. I sent him a message via SMS and realised that he went out with his family. It was 12am that night. Kind of late. Hmms..

We smsed and replied each other, until it was 2am, we decided to catch some sleep before we go to school the next day. 4 hours left to sleep, it was enough for me, but I was not sure if that was enough for him. Well, he told me that the didn't want to meet me the whole week this week as he didn't want to get distracted while he was preparing in his maximum boost for his exams during we were messaging each other, but he ended with a "....Wait!! What time we meet tomorrow?" Hahas!~ That was damn funny.

My alarm rang for an hour at 5.20am, and I seemed to be sleeping like a log. I didn't hear it ringing. It was on vibration mode too; I wondered: How could I sleep under those noises and vibrations. Lols. I woke up when it rang at 6am. Still on my bed catching more sleep, my mind was intructing me to wake up and get prepared to meet him. When I though of him, I bounced off the bed. Hurrily, I washed my hair and did what was necessary, I rushed off to the place where we usually meet. I didn't wear my spectacles and my world was very blurry. Objects must be less than a palm away from my sight so that it would be visible. I had trained my body to see well without spectacles and know where I'm going so that I won't get injured. The secret behind this: Use your heart, mind and soul to see things. I reached there with the shortest time possible. However, he hadn't reach yet. He was about to leave the house. It was my first time waiting for him. Hahas!~

While waiting, I went to purchase sweets so that my body wouldn't have a sudden feel of seasick. He wasn't there after I bought them. After a couple of minutes later, I saw this peculiar person on the road. I knew it was him, though I couldn't see clearly. I confirmed that it was him after I saw him waving to me. Hahas! We went to school together and I told him be my eyes. We talked too, details, I prefer not to disclose. It's our privacy. Hahas!~

Class started as usual, with my friends asking, "Nancy! You wear contact lenses is it?" My answer was always the same, "No, my spectacles is damaged. I can't wear them anymore." Lols!~ I hated when the teachers were using the whiteboard to teach. I couldn't see a damn thing they write. Haiz. Never mind. As long I was listening, everything went smoothly.

After school, I was dismissed late. Well, it was always like that. I prefer this way as I HATE GOING HOME! I want to be outside! I want! I want! NIGHT LIFE ROCKZ! Hahas!~ I messaged him, he was at the 7eleven and was about to go home. Well, I went home too, I was too nervous with the new spectacles I would be getting soon. First, I need to place order. I pressed my mom to go but she said "WAIT!" What The FUCK!~ In the meantime, I was recording songs. Speaking of songs, I've thought of a DJ name for him. DJ JZ, hahas, got this inspiration from my friends. Hahas!~

The best part of the day is..after I went to place my order for a new spectacles(I prefer contact lense, my mom wouldn't get one for me. Zz. I'll get it for myself then), he was just downstairs my block. I asked him to talk to me from my window. It was the only way I could talk to him. He was feeling emo after a fight with his brother. It was kind of wierd but to me, it was romantic. Hahas! Still, greediness stayed in my heart, I wanted more than to talk to him through the window, I threw a book out of my window and told my mom I was getting it. I used the time with him to talk to him face to face. He was so bad making fun of my eyesight. Hmms. HahasxDD If he is not naughty, how will I love him(from a CHINESE phrase)? XDDhahas. Still, it was time for me to go home. Same, I got scolding as my mother suspected that I cheated her. Haiz. I was finding an excuse, any excuse that was available and useful. Hahas!~ It worked though, mian qiang.

I simply just love his songs. It just suited perfectly on my personality. Hahas!~ Of course, I will love him..not his songs marhs.

I asked him this question, do you love this blind wife? His answer was OF COURSE! Whatever you've become, you're mine. Hahas!~ I ticked him off by saying that you're so selfish, if I'm yours, then I'm not mine. Hahas!~

HUBBY, I LOVE YOU LOTS! YOU MAKE ME SMILE THE WHOLE DAY!~ IM BLIND AND NEED YOUR EYES TO SEE. BE MY EYES AND LET ME SEE THE WORLD...xDD

2007-09-30T19:42:00.000+08:00

I think I shouldn't confront the person. I'll just lie low and let the thing takes its own course. What people want to say, let them say, anyway, it's not true. It's just a waste of effort and my breath to talk them off it.

As long as I'm happy with him, we're secluded in only our own world, what for we care about what people talk about us? Hahas!~

I've been listening to his mixed music since afternoon, although they were an hour long, I kept listening to it. I LOVE IT SO MUCH! Hahas!~ Really, it's very different from what local DJs do. Local DJ copy each other's work and display it to the public, I wonder how people still say IT'S NICE! Zzz =.=!! His work is his own style; his music is very different from others, it's full of emotions and his lifestory. Lols!~ People that only know how to listen to music and sing them, doesn't really know how to study music. Hahas!~ If I say somemore, everyone might just fall asleep.

One of my lenses of my spectacles was detached from the frame. I couldn't see well. My mom sticked scotch tape on it, and said "For the time being, do with it." Lol! My glasses were funny. Hope I can get my contact lenses! I look better with it. I don't want be a nerd. hahas!

I messaged him, telling him that my world is blurred. He replied me "With me in your heart, you can see crystal clear!" Hahas!~ I was very touched and happy when I read that message. Hahas!~ True enough, I could see things well, not visually, but in my heart, I could see things.

If I have a laptop, that would be the best! I could talk to him in the night. Well, I don't own one so I don't enjoy this priviledge. Sigh=.= May our love stay strong and wait till I get a laptop to MSN YOU! Hahas!~ Muacks..

My aim to get a Mac com and a Windows Home Premium laptop. I can connect to people easily, play games with the best graphics and low latency, edit pictures and see them as in they are real and edit my own music. The best part is, Mac com is easy to dismantle. Their parts are designed slickly. I JUST LOVE IT. I wish upon the star that I can get it, as soon as possible..

2007-09-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

I woke up very early in the morning; my purpose was to have the shortest waiting queue for making my I/C. Who I was disturbed by? My mother. She kept calling me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. You know, all mothers always nag. Hahas!~ Maybe when I'm a mother, I might nag too..

When he couldn't go with me for the I/C thingy, I felt a bit disappointed. Well, my parents were going with me so in order to keep my relationship between him and I confidential, both of us have to suffer for a day.

My mind now is thinking of how to settle the rumour. To that person who spreaded to everyone, FUCK OFF!~ I know who you are and you better watch out! The rumours about me weren't true, okays! But the relationship between him and me is true and nothing else! We're innocent okays!~ SO FUCK OFF AND STOP DISTURBING US! I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS! DO YOU THINK SPREADING RUMOURS ABOUT US WILL GIVE YOU MORE REPUTATION?! CAN'T YOU LET US HAVE PEACE LOVING EACH OTHER? WHY MUST YOU DESTROY US! YOU LOVE-MURDERER! YOU BETTER WATCH OUT!~

hmms, everyone who is reading my blog and heard rumours about me and him, please stop spreading! And, the rumours isn't TRUE in the FIRST PLACE!~ Fuck OFF!~

2007-09-29T14:39:00.000+08:00

I felt so sorry about the previous post. Perhaps, I was just being paranoid. Anyways, let's not rake it up! I loved him so much that I'm lovesicked now. We had a nice chat over the msn. Hahas!~

He shared with me alot of things, and at last! I found my dance partner. I always danced alone, that was so DAMN lonely. I also found the guy that mixed music well, unlike those "noobs" that uses the same style as others! His music is full of emotions! I LOVE IT!

Hubby,
I'm so sorry that I hurt you.
One thing to let you know is...
my heart had been stolen by you long time ago.
You've melted it by your love,
and uses it as a ink
to write 4 words,
I LOVE YOU WIFEY!

2007-09-26T19:36:00.001+08:00

I thought I was running late again, for the 3rd time when I was going to meet him in the morning. I skipped breakfast and rushed out of the house. Sigh!~ He said he wasn't going to school, it was fine with me at first, but I didn't know I felt so alone in my heart.

I went on with my normal routine today. I felt so weak for the first time ever, giddiness and the thought of fainting. I almost fainted during Mr Akmal's lesson. This time, even consuming lots of candies didn't help me to control the giddiness, it was getting worser. Mr Akmal told me to go the sickbay which I didn't wanted at first but upon hearing what he was about to do with the class, I decided to give it a miss. Went to the sickbay with Yuwon, my giddiness caused me to sway as I walked. That was a normal reaction. I rested in the sickbay for like 10-15minutes; I wasn't feeling any better. I went back to class and rested for a while, the world still spinned like a tornado. Well, I didn't care, I just wanted to go to Mr Leong's office and settled things with him so that I could get back to rest. Instead, Mrs Teng called me in and we had a chat. I was looking very pale at that time. She was worried that I was pregnant. Lols!~ I had my recess there too. I ain't feeling any better. I returned to class for Combined Humanities and left home. Mrs Teng accompanied me home as she had to do a house visit for a student.

Slept the whole afternoon, it was evening when I woke up. Usual routine like showering and having my dinner was done after I woke up. Hmms, I switched on my computer and started blogging.

I don't get it why am I feeling so emo. Is it because of the humidity? Is it he didn't come and meet me? I'm not pretty sure myself. All I wanted to do now is to end my life and nothing else. I don't want to suffer anymore and I don't want people close to me to be constantly worrying about me. LET ME DIE AND BURN IN HELL!~

I don't believe in hell, and I believe that for the first time. Hmms, I believe that the world has only us, and spirits and no one else! There are no gods, no one above to help us. It's us that helps ourselves...

I wish I could end my life now
I don't have the stamina to overcome all the odds.
I'm too tired of life.
On second thoughts,
you're why I'm not dead yet.
But, I'm still considering..

2007-09-25T15:47:00.000+08:00

As usual today, I met him. Well, he tried to scare me though; I was late. Hahas!~ I still can laugh about that. Lols!~ Lined up and did the usual routine. First period was Mr Rethi's class. I liked his class as he was not like other teachers or people that could talk civically. I hated people who have too much civics in their character. It made them not to make an accurate good decision.

He told us with meanings behind his words that my class have not enough of general knowledge to write this essay, so it wasn't very well done. He advised us to read more newspaper so that our general knowledge would be further stretched, which could help us in the future decision-making.

Next was Mrs Ambika's class. I wasn't willing to listen to her class not because she was boring or irritating, the reason behind it was I wanted to study on my own for maths for a period of time. Whatever she was teaching, I could understand instantly, which made me nothing to do in the end as I was faster than many. Well, the solution to this problem that I had thought of since this month was to study on my own, when I could study on my fast pace. I wouldn't find it bored studying then. It was not I didn't want to study, it was just that, I felt it might be better for me. I also didn't want myself to be disliking studying. Well, I admitted that I went a bit overboard when I joined Crystal's group and discussed something about hmms, 不能说的秘密. Hahas!~

PE lesson was fun, my teacher decided on letting us to play Captain's ball and Soccer. Personally, if all PE teachers could allow us to play any type of sports, that would be the best, of course, occasionally let us have some physical exercise. If they would teach us different types of sports, the students would find it boring and dislike PE alot. Besides, almost all the sports were all of the same rules and regulations, just that, it had a different way of playing.

School sucks after recess, it was 2nd Language period. Although I appreciated what my Chinese teacher had prepared for us and I enjoyed the music on Mid-Autumn Festival, it was kind of boring. Well, maybe I was feeling moody, I just wanted to sleep.

Physics lesson was damn quiet today. Perhaps my classmates were very tired, that may explain why the noise level was down and classmates sleeping. I pitied Mr Akmal. I was sleeping too, when he was doing some practises with us which I found that I didn't need that. All I needed were the roots of topic. I finally understood what I didn't understand in Light. Hahas!~

It was kind of annoyed when there was a Chemistry Mock Exam after school, when everyone was very tired. However, what can we as students do? Jolly well take the test and hand it up to the teacher and GO OF! The paper was easy though, Ms Zainah made it simple for us I guessed.

I seemed to be not understanding why I was able to handle the paper with little effort. I didn't touched the books for a semester, I think? Bet they are dusty by now. Perhaps I understood the theories, that was why I handled the paper with little effort.

I miss him a lot. I really want to talk to him. He is not online right now. He needs to settle some problems. My heart is with him right now. Hahas!~ I try not to put too much feelings on him or else I will be the one hurt.

hubby,
when you feel like bursting now,
BURST!
it may not with me,
it might be with someone else.
All I wanted is you to be happy.
The sooner you burst,
the better person you will become
and you will face a totally new world,
totally new life and
you're no longer tortured in that burning hell..

2007-09-24T17:40:00.000+08:00

I woke up late at 6.15am today. I was supposed to meet him, and I had so many things to do; I was running late! I had to meet him at 6.40am. Well, I hurried and didn't have my breakfast.

Well, he was late in the end. Hahas!~ He tried scaring me, which was his favourite thing that he liked to do with me, he failed though. My sixth sense is strong, I can feel things moving near me, even if I can't see from the back.

We went to a playground, near the school. The sky was peaceful, but it turned into dark clouds after we sat down on a bench. It was chilling cold; I hugged on him to get warmth. It felt wierd as the warmth was not emitted externally from him, it was emitted from my heart, it felt warm instantly. =)I felt so secured and safe with him, as if I'm safe from other lecherous guys.

We went school when I sensed that it was going to rain, and it did after we were safely under a shelter. Although he is a quiet and wierd guy, I find that I'm like him, always being "crazy" in the sense to those "normal" people. The people always say I laugh for what? Haiz..

I felt lovesicked after I parted with him. I couldn't wait for recess. There was an article on him in yesterday's Straits Times. I kept looking at it. Lols!~ It's the first time I got so distracted when I'm in a relationship. Recess came finally, and I waited for him on the same place. Again, he tried scaring me. Hahas!~ It always fail. The only time when it worked was when he in front of me. Hahas!~

The lovesickness came back after he left for his class. Zzz. We arranged to meet each other after school, at the same place.

Well, we didn't meet at the same place. We met outside the counselling room. hahas!~ We went up to some where quiet and talked. Time was never enough for us, I had to go for my English oral. Haiz, rushed there, as he told me to, my timekeeper hubby. Hahas!~ With him, I will never be late..again..

It was kind of wierd, the way I entered and get into my seat. I was the attention in the quiet hall, when Mdm Nathan was making an annoucement to the candidates. Hahas!~I waited very long during the oral, but with the thoughts of him, time was killed eventually. I was let off early at 3.20pm and I went to the toilet then, also to kill time, as he was released at 3.30pm. When, I saw the time on my handphone, I decided to go up and wait. surprisingly, he was walking to the place too. hahas!~ I was so happy!!hahas.

We spent memorable time together by talking and chatting. I'll never forget how we had ended up together and today, the things that you've done for me..

2007-09-23T20:59:00.000+08:00

My mood swing is back. I don't know why but I know it's definitely about BGR. I keep thinking about him and the more I think about him, the more mood swing I become. Relationhip doesn't distract me, well, it helps me a lot when I'm studying. I don't get it why I'm feeling this way.

I'm just gonna put that feeling aside and start my EOY revision. I've slept too much in class this semester, and I think I might not be able to pass this year. I'm going to be 5 steps behind people. I'm not the role model people think I am. I'm just an ordinary girl, that went through more than what a teenager gone through. Like him, we have the similar fate.

I'm so upset now. I'm depressed! Why am I? I'm not stressed, I'm leading a very carefree life now! Is it because he's feeling the same way? Or..is he avoiding me? I'm not sure though. I wish he was with me right now.

Ending this sad post...but I want to let you know; I'm always there when you need me. && I'll always love you, my love is never replaced ..

2007-09-23T15:43:00.000+08:00

It's been a long time since the last time I've updated my blog. Many things have happen so far, as it seemed to be to me. My birthday, my sexlife, my family life, my student life and my worklife too. Well, there is one thing that is worth saying.

On my birthday, it seemed that no one is celebrating with me. I woke up in the dawn with a heavy heart. Taking my phone and noticed that I had messages, I opened it and read them. Those messages touched my heart deeply. That marked the day that I cried and smiled at the same time. It was also the day my smile was retrieved back since the day I lost it on 15 October 2006. I sat down on my bed, wasn't sure whether I was supposed to be feeling joyful or moody.

The content was that someone confessed to me that he had secretly loved me since the day he met me. He didn't dare to tell for fear that he might hurt me as it was just a crush. The love for me was for 3 years, and he confessed to me on my birthday.

I felt that I wasn't actually alone celebrating my 15th birthday. Someone was with me celebrating, and he was that someone that I also had the feel for him for like 2 years? Hahas!~

Hmms, we talked on the previous day on 18.9.07, it was about my life story and his too. After hearing his story, he remained so strong and faced all the challenges head-on. He went through more than me, and didn't have a choice to make in each situation. As for me, I have a choice to make, but I went to the wrong one, which caused my natural smile to be lost in space, difficult to retrieve back. He asked me question after hearing my tragedy, "icic. to be honest, is there anyway anyone can get your smile back?" I replied, "no, no one or nothing can get my smile back."

Well, he was the guy who helped me to get back my smile. My best birthday ever! With the best birthday present, my smile! I could smile and smile until my muscles were very tired. Still, I smiled. Either to myself, or to others, especially to him. Hahas!~

I'm lovesick these few days. I don't know what was the reason behind it but, all I know that I was very "high" when my mind was occupied by all his images. I also felt an ache in my heart as he had a tragic life.

Yesterday, I was very giddy while I was doing my new blog template. I did it twice as I forgot to save my work. Haiz.. He knew that I was giddy and was worried about me. He told me to miss call him if I was about to faint. I did that, but I didn't answered the call as I was putting my head down, resting. Then, I saw my phone, it had 2 missed calls. All was from him. I messaged him back, telling him to call me back. He called me and told me to do some simple workouts so that I would feel better. Indeed, I felt better. Love him! muacks!~

After my relationship with Zhi Hao, I had another relationship before my present stead. He was my god-brother and took great care of me. However, he felt that he was letting me down as he hadn't gotten rid of his ex-stead. Well, it was fine with me, we could be friends or brother-sister relationship if we couldn't be couples. Hahas!~

I wanna say; my smile is back, I can smile naturally without faking it. My life is brighten with colours, instead of dull black and white. My world is warmed when I'm with you. You are my sun. I'm your sunflower.

You are the first guy I cried in front of you. You are also the first guy that I felt happy and secured when I'm with you. You have the power to make me cry and smile in front of you. That turns me on. Ashiteru!あしてる！

2007-09-13T20:35:00.000+08:00

It was a boring day with a exhausted body in school. The first 3 periods were lessons but after that, it was free periods. Students would clapped their hands with joy and called out YAY! when it was a free period. My class, instead, growled as there were tests. For 3 consecutive subjects, there were tests and tests. A test for Chinese, English, then Geography. I was tired enough as brain power had been using constantly. Yawn!~

While I was working in the afternoon, I saw Ernest and his gang. OMG!~ I was so shy to let them to see me. Hahas!~ It was so sad that in the end of the day, I earned $20. Haiz. Worked so hard for nothing. I'm fine with it. Next week, I might earn more and the following more!

MR ANONYMOUS, I feel so secured when I'm with you! Hahas!~ I'm not sure why, but I can talk to you with ease. Hahas!~ However, I feel very guilty towards you. Broke our promise.

I have no mood to study at all today. I don't know what is the reason why. I'm just slacking. WHY AM I BEHAVING THIS WAY! PLEASE BUCK UP!

As I'm growing up, I wear more "xiu jei" clothes. Tight-fitted and more revealing. Hahas!~ It's warm in Singapore. Hahas!~ When I get my wage, I'm gonna buy more bras and more bras. Lols!~ Of course some outfits.

My mother finally allowed me to go to work during my vacation! Finally, I was in charge of my own life.

2007-09-12T13:19:00.000+08:00

I've realised one thing. I'm growing. I'm no longer a little girl. I'm going to be a young lady, and that's what adults want, a perfect young lady. And I'm aiming to be that.

I don't know what's got to me that made me think that I'm a little girl. One thing is for sure, whenever I see myself in the mirror, I do look sweet and very young. Also, I look innocent too. No wonder when I go out to buy food without my school uniform, people thought that I'm still studying in primary school. Laughs!~

Being young is good and bad. Everyone, especially girls wish to stay young as long as possible, but destiny is like that, there will be people who will age faster than others and some will stay young for a longer period. If a person has a young look, it's difficult to go out in the night after 11pm or go in to a cinema that is rated. The policeman will think that you're underage and is not allowed to stay out. In the cinema, if you forgot to bring your I/C, that's it. Hahas!~

I would prefer to stay young. Youth is something worth to enjoy and it is something that may disappear fast. Hahas!~

I went to school today as usual. I didn't know what had gone to the English teacher but she was irritated when I told her that the key was lost. Partly, it was my fault. I shouldn't have trusted Biscuit to hold the key. Mostly, it was still Biscuit's fault! Haiz. My English teacher was liked taking all her anger on me. Lols. I don't mind. I'm a very forgiving person.

I don't understand why some of my classmates just couldn't understand how a chairperson feel when something is not functioning well in the class. Like 2 people, they just scold without being in my shoes. If one day, they are the chairpersons, see what they would feel.

Ms Zainah told me to be relieved from my Chairperson duties. I felt sad as first but after understanding her motive of doing so, I realised that maybe, I've stressed my body and myself too much. I should take a long rest now. Hope someone is capable enough to do the job then.

I like Mdm Raps class. Her style of teaching is similar to Mr Mohd but she is more thoughtful. She make us understand the concept well even she joke a lot in class. Cashbook is a concept that I don't understand at all. She made it easy to understand in class today. i can say I kind of like her to be my POA teacher. Hahas!~ One thing to work on to be in her class, punctuality. I can be on time in certain things, but I can't be on time in handling up things. I've gotta train.

Zhi Hao, I really want you badly. Hahas!~ Just kidding. I called him last night. His voice totally changed. I didn't know what happen to his voice but I guessed that his voice changed because of his daily workout. He exercised a lot. After work, he goes to gym, then goes home. He said that he wanted to look better. 做个有有形的男人。Hahas! Maybe when I meet him, he looks more tougher. Hahas!~ A type of guys that I've been looking and waiting for. A guy that looks tough, tall and not to fat. He also must be a zodiac near Virgo, plays the basketball, knows how to 洪女孩子 and also study well. My expectation so high, I bet I will be left on the shelf. Hahas!~

smiles=) I am a sweetladdie. no longer a swiitcandy laddie. coz..i am maturing. though candy is still my favourite food. i like it short and sweet. hahas!~ muacks.

2007-09-10T13:04:00.000+08:00

It had been a very long time since I update my blog. Today is Monday, September 11, the day the Twin Towers collapsed. It is also a day I need to hand in my Physics homework. Hahas!~ I also didn't go to school. I wanted to sleep more. The main reason I didn't turn up for school is, my backache. I injured myself during the September holidays. My mother was sick, all her chores would be done by me. My brother helped half-way, he left the bucket of water near the door. I went in to take a shower and knocked my tail bone on it accidentally. That was how I injured myself.

I went to see the sinseh today. It was torturous. Ihad to bear the pain he used to press down on my tail bone. I cried while he was pressing. Thank god it ended quickly, or else, I would have fainted there. He bandaged me and I was relieved. I could feel the pain there but it wasn't as painful as before. Hope I get better soon.

I received my application of getting my I/C yesterday. I was happy that I was getting my I/C but my mom said, "I keep your I/C for you, in case you lose it". I understand her motive of keeping it for me, but she also should trust me to be responsible of my own things. If I can't even be responsible of my own I/C, how can I accomplish big things in my life? *sigh.

I'm going to study at 2pm. For now, I'm going to play GAIAONLINE! Hahas!~ I'm addicted to it. I like to social around to know more people. Lols!~

2007-09-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

Yesterrday, I didn't manage to post a blog. I didn't really have the time for myself even. Work was neverending. It kept coming and coming. How could I land myself in such a state?! Well, it all boiled down to the method of my studying, without stress that tight me down the most, I couldn't function properly.

I should be happy of one thing which is I managed to finish my 2 Sciences notes. It wasn't 100% though but all those I don't understand, I'd finished noting down. =)smiles.

In the night, I was supposed to talk to him. But, he was in the pub. Hmms, waited for him for so long and he didn't call. Hmms! Break then!

Today, I was disturbed by my brother's way of opening the door. It was so crude and loud. It could even wake a dead person up. Zzz. My mom also kept waking me up. Why can't I have a day peace for sleeping? I despise waking up early as I always wake up early in the weekdays or the school days. I want to sleep, so that I can make up for the days I didn't sleep well.

I have a sleeping problem. I can't sleep in the night and able to sleep soundly in the day. Turning to be a nocturnal girl, no, a lady. Hahas!~ but, my parents don't like that. My dad is also a "night" person, why can't I also be? It's my life though, and the way they control it, it's akin to change my whole lifestyle drastically. Zzz.

Again, work is always never ending. The stress is already very heavy, but I'm able to take it. My brother keeps complaining the fact I keep using the computer. How I wish I can be alone, peacefully, doing my work peacefully. Haiz.. Times's up for me to do work again. if not, OT! sianzations

2007-08-31T10:38:00.001+08:00

I didn't have the heart to post as I was so tired and there were so many tasks for me to do. Yesterday wasn't a pleasant day. I received my grade card, I failed 2 subjects. Everyone made improvement and I was the one who was not. I was deproving. I hope that that would be my wake up call, although I had always told myself to study and I didn't do that.

I failed my English by a few marks and my E.Math by 20 marks. In total, I had a D7, E8, 3Cs and one A1. I laughed when I saw my results. How could I passed A.Math and failed my E.Math. Hahas!~ Well, I've gotta buck up. I don't like the feeling of losing to people. I like the feeling when someone would be admiring you, thinking that you're the best. That's what I'm gonna achieve in life overall. Though there would be ups and downs, life is like that. So, I just need to overcome all obstacles and give every tests my BEST SHOT!

When I woke up, I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Last night, I talked to someone so late, until 3am, close to 4am. I was damn so tired when I woke up at 6am. Used to it anyway; my mom called me when I was lying down on my bed while I was dressing up. Needed to catch some sleep. She talked to me in a weak manner, the same way she talked to people when she wasn't feeling well. She told me to return home straight after dismissal. I told her I wanted to meet some teachers but hearing her voice, I went by her wishes and went back to sleep. I suddenly thought of not going to school as I had nothing to do and I also could take care of her. What if she fainted in the house and no one's at home? She may not receive immediate medical treatment and her life might be endangered. After all these consideration, I told my mom, "Mummy, I'm not going to school today. I want to bring you to a doctor and take care of you like how you take care of me." My heart was thinking, "She gave birth to you, brought you up, gave you education and all the things that you desire, it is time to repay her unconditional love."

I'm old enough to think for myself. There are a lot of things I may not experience yet but I experienced more than what an average teenager experiences. I'm getting more matured as the time passes by. I hated soda drink, I hated to buy things that I don't need, I'm changing. I used to spend more money in the past but now, I seldom spend money. I used to drink soda drinks, now, I hated it. Hahas!~

Now, I need to train up is my self-esteem and my self-discipline. Without them, I can't achieve anything at all. I have trained myself to have integrity and to think for myself more than to think for others. Hahas!~ Gonna head back to study. Commercial break is over. Muakcs

2007-08-29T20:38:00.000+08:00

It's a late post today; I'm so busy today that I don't even have time to blogs. Hahas!~ It was a happy day for me. Hahas!~ I just loved my presentation today, although, I lost to Liang Sheng's group. It's always best to be the person who always lose as I can learn from people more. They will think that I'm just a stupid fellow. Hahas!~ How scheming I am. 偷师. Hahas!~ Still, I won't lower my high standards. Hahas!!~

The English presentation was a great success that I managed to do it well properly and smoothly. There was a picture description that I was afraid that Cindy would be nervous and couldn't do it well, but she failed to disappoint me. She did it well and I was impressed with her quality of work. Next, it was the powerpoint presentation. I was the host and I was trying to calm my nerves down as I usually does that before a presentation. Then, I would need to make a "eye contact" which I was successful in tricking them that I did even though I didn't. I didn't use any skit or looking on the slides, neither did I hesitate in my speaking. The constant heat that was running in my head was generating all the things that I was going to say. Hahas!~ A short presentation though, I was successful once, as a speaker, as I wasn't prepared at all. All I used wad what I'd learnt and read from the internet. Hahas!~ After my powerpoint slides, it was the video. I watched the video and laughed, thinking that it might be a funny and entertaining one for the class. I add it on and Ms Rahman was laughing as she watched. Hahas!~

It was time for Ms Rahman to tell us that what are the areas that Cindy and I needed to improve on. It went back to language. I couldn't speak well of one word, women. Overall, I was praised as a good speaker. Hahas!~ I was glad to hear that. My group was graded in a range of B+ to a A-. I felt that I would need to improve on one area, to get the audience engaged in my presentation. I'm going to learn that now.

Liang Sheng's group was good too, except I hated when they read their contents from the skits. They also made no eye contact to us, like as if they were not acknowledging us as audience. Well, at least they did let us engage in their presentation, especially the video, the last year's theme song. They had a A+ straight. I was happy for them and learnt many new things from them too. Hahas!~ Let's see who will do better next time. You or ME!?

Studying is a ritual for me. I hated rituals as much as I hated HIM! I love to learn, but hate to study. MR ANONYMOUS helped me to go back to study after a long conversation and counselling. Hahas!~ I'm studying right now. I'd just remembered about the Physics Project. I'll get it done tomorrow. HeHe!~ It's chicken feet for me now, I've got an idea how to do. hahas!~

2007-08-28T21:25:00.000+08:00

Been studying since 7.30pm, after trying my best to see today's Blood Moon. I didn't manage to get a glimpse of it due to the clouds. *sigh. My first time seeing a blood moon, well, you could say I saw it in another time when I was young.

I felt stress as I was doing last minute studying. I didn't listen in class; my 2nd semester was screwed. I'm facing stress now! My mood is damn bad today. I'm now taking my break to brainwash everything I've learnt just now. Have to head back to studying. A Math test is tomorrow. Good Luck to me!~

2007-08-28T17:18:00.001+08:00

I couldn't get myself to wake up this morning. My alarm was switched off and I didn't know what happened to it. Well, my mom woke me up in the end. Phew!~ If she didn't wake me up, I would not be in school today, with the KEY!!!

School was okay for me, except that PE was boring. After school was the best! There was a nail art workshop. I attended it and learnt alot of things. If I had a camera, I could take the pictures of what we did. *sigh I enjoyed the lesson though. Hahas!~

Need to study now..BYE!~

2007-08-27T17:34:00.000+08:00

I feel that I'm always using most of my time on posting blog. I think that I love writing. Hahas!~ Then I should ask, why I don't get good grades for my English? The answer is I don't know. Whenever I write, the teachers will start having red marks on my paper. Hahas!~ I'm not sure where I've gone wrong but all I know is that, writing is a part of my life.

I've gladly finished the notes on Chapter 11: Group Properties in Periodic table in Chemistry. It seems like it's my first time touching the book since the term 3 started. Hahas!~ My mind now is back on studying and I'm glad about it. Next, I'm going to start on my notes in Chapter 8 and 9 in Chemistry. Exams are coming and notes are not tidied yet. I'm doing it while I'm blogging. Hahas!~

When I was having my breaktime, I read an article about the moon in the internet. Well, it was half true though. However, I also missed today's rare event that happens in space; my favourite interest I always read on. Hahas!~ Gonna continue mugging...as soon as I get my n73, I post my pictures. =)smiles

2007-08-27T15:47:00.000+08:00

I was reluctant to get off my bed and lied down on the bed since 4am. Supposedly, I was to be out of bed at 4am, so that I could spend 2 hours on my books. Sadly, I didn't manage to do that. I used the time to sleep. *sigh. I'm feeling guilty right now. The time is lost and it's never gonna be recovered back.

Well, let's not waste the time anymore. I must make use of the time to study and play at the same time. How to do that? Hmms, listening to songs ans sing with it can be considered as "play" and also do my revision and studying. Hahas!~

When I went to school, I realised that I'd forgot to bring the class key. How irresponsible I was. *sigh. I would need to bother my classmates then. Some complained, "Why like that?" I personally felt that the matter of fact that I forgot to bring the key was becoming a big issue, although I knew that it was my fault but have I ever forget to bring the key? All I need was the class cooperation. Some was cooperative but there were people that had attitude problem. *sigh. I couldn't say anything as I was at fault first.

When I wrote that there would be a 2nd moon tonight, the class was doubting me. The information was from my cousin and I felt that it would be better if I could share it with the class. With kind intention, the class wasn't appreciative. Well, it was fine with me. Believe it or not, their choice, not mine. If they miss it, it's their business anyway. Hmms, I also add on that there were still some classmates who were interested in the "moon". Hahas!~

E.maths test is tomorrow, I need to study it. Hahas!~ Gotta go. END OF POST.

2007-08-26T17:27:00.000+08:00

I managed to finish the English project and did the opening of the Physics project. I really want to give a personal thank you to the anonymous person. He was a great help to me and that explained why I finished the project in a short time. He helped me to do the summarising while I did the formatting of the presentation. Of course I rephrased the information he sent me; I don't want the work to be pirated, I wanted it to be 100$ original. Hahas!~

Well, I was already very slow in completing them. Usually, I take 2 hours to complete one project. It seemed that I used 4 hours to do them, with the help of someone. Hmms. It's not a good thing. I need to work on it.

I wanted to show the presentation to the anonymous person but he was playing dota. Till now, he's still playing it. Zzz. Lols!~

My decision to leave Nanthini's group for English project may be wise as I'm doing 2 good deeds. One deed is that I'm doing myself a favour so that I can score well, and second deed is that Nanthini can learn new things by doing "one man show" project. Hahas!~ Nanthini msn me that she couldn't carry on with the project anymore without any encouragement and help and really hoped that she could be a part of my group. However, it was already impossible. I'd just finished the project.

She also thought that the friendship between us was gone. Well, it was not the case for me. I treasure every friendship I have. If it's about work, I neglect my private life. To me, work is work, friends is friends. When I'm not satisfied with the group, I can choose to leave but that doesn't mean that I'm destroying the friendship between the group members I'm working with. =0 hope you'll understand.

I'm so happy now!! Left with only 2 more chapters to copy! Then, I'm free from e.maths. I can revise for it! Hahas. Better hurry the work. =) smiles..

2007-08-26T12:40:00.000+08:00

This morning at 9am, I was supposed to go for a morning jog. Instead, I used the time to sleep. I'm a sleeping queen. Hahas!~

I woke up at 11am, after my mom asked why she couldn't access her email account. Lazily, I got out of bed, told my mom what was wrong and went to brush my teeth. When I looked up the mirror, I saw that my hair was in a mess. Hahas!~ It was normal. My hair condition would be in its worst state on the third day after washing. I had my breakfast and wanted to have another, but I needed to finish my project work that would be dued tomorrow so I skipped the thoughts of having another bowl of rice. =.=!!

I did the Physics Project first. I started the essay and tomorrow, Cindy would end the essay. I had ran out of writing ideas, perhaps I'm not cut out to be a writer. Hahas!~

As I'm doing my posting now, I'm studying, shouldn't waste anymore time. EYE is coming, and I'm not prepared. It's kind of too late to start but starting revising now is better than starting it later. I really want to talk to that anonymous person. He's great and helped me in whatever I needed. =) smiles.

2007-08-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

I rushed to meet Jiang Fang as I was about to be late. I was never early or on time either. It took me 10 minutes to reach there. I was in the MRT Station and noticed that she hasn't arrived too. I called her with a public phone. She was at the OCBC bank. Hahas!~ After we gathered, we took a train to Woodlands. Borrowed some books and did some window shopping.

We went to many boutiques and gift shops. I would want to name out one shop. I forgot the name of it but I remembered how it looked like. It was dark and sold clothes, accessories, caps and bags. What I didn't like was the music. It seemed like that the DJ didn't know how to modify and produce Techno music. Lols. I'm particular about music, especially Techno music. I love music, and it's my life!

While we were window shopping, I kept complaining that I was hungry. Hahas!~ People with very high metabolism usually hang out in the food court and eat as much as they can, and never get fat. They are very slim and warm-blooded(some only). I bought breads to eat and Jiang Fang went to browse the shop next to the bread shop. It was then I realised that I was exposed;under my skirt, my shorts could be seen. The shop assistants told me that. Really have to thank them. I'm born to be a EXPOSED queen too. Hahas!~ The guys that saw it must be hard. Hahas!~ I'm so naughty. Lols. Growing up, no longer an innocent girl.

I came back home at 3.30pm. It was early. I undressed and dressed to another set of clothing, then switched on the computer. I needed to start on the project work fast. The deadline is on Monday.

I was fussy with the layouts, colour schemes, pictures and the word fonts. I changed and changed the formats again and again. When I finally liked the settings, I didn't want to continue doing. I was lazy. Hahas!~

I went to do my template. I wanted to add a new section which is the lyrics. I'd uploaded the song 不能说的秘密 by Jay Chou on my blog. To let people that doesn't know the lyrics of the song, I added a new section, LYRICS. Sing along!~

I'm now feeling paranoid. Exams are drawing near, day by day, how can I cope with 8 subjects and mostly, they are not my strength subjects now. I hated myself to slack. Why must I slack this term!?! Now, I'm feeling scared. I don't want to retain this year! Neither do I want to be above the top 3. My goal for this year is to be the top 3. I think, that's impossible now. There goes my chance. *sigh.

Projects are not finished and Physics project is not started, exams is rolling to me at a rapid speed, like a rock rolling down the steep slope. Student life is stressful. How about adult life? More stressful I guess. not an adult yet to understand so many things. All I understand now is STRESS!

Hmms.. When I chatted with Zhi Hao, the feeling is no longer there. Guess that I was freed from him, no more love for him, except care and concern as her little sister. Lols. Still, I was asking him kisses and hugs from him. Hahas!~ and he played the game back by replying back hugs and kisses. We were so funny.

I want to download new English and Chinese songs. Any recommendations?

2007-08-25T11:05:00.000+08:00

My mom started waking me up from 9am. To me, waking up at 9am was an impossible task to do. She asked me why I was still on bed after many times of her "wake up" calls. I told her that I was very tired. It was a norm for me to wake up late in the weekends as I couldn't find time to sleep in the weekdays. Ever since I'd decided to buck up, my sleeping time was 6 hours only. To make up for the sleeping time loss, I slept more in the weekends than in the weekdays.

I went to the bathroom and saw how beautifully curved my hair was. Hahas!~ I was admiring it while I was brushing my teeth. You might think I'm crazy but, I like admiring myself. This is what a girl usually does, admiring and smile at herself, thinking that she is the world's beautiful lady. Hahas!~

Later, I will be going out with Jiang Fang to do some window shopping. *sigh. We haven't started earning money, so can't do serious shopping. Exams coming soon, we've decided that it would be wise to do a group study to revise the year's work.

Oh no! I just remembered! Monday is the deadline for the English Project and Physics Project. The moment I reach home, I better start doing them. Haha!~ To meet the early deadlines for projects, it's a piece of cake to me. It would also allow me to invent new methods to do things more quickly, effeciently and effective. Well, it was my decision to leave Nanthini's group so I need to bear the consequences of it. I think it was wise for me to do so as they weren't focused in the project. That angered me. When I am focused in one thing, I will do that thing perfectly nad seriously. Perhaps, that group wasn't suited for my personality. Better leave before any penalties I would need to bear.

Time for me to get ready to meet Jiang Fang! Signing off!~

2007-08-24T17:22:00.000+08:00

Ms Thomas and various english teachers encourages studens to use good English to communicate. I know they have an interest in our hearts so as a chairperson, I should help the teachers to promote students to speak good English. That's why I'm using perfect English sentence structure. Besides helping the teachers, I'm doing myself a favour. Hahas!~

I know that it's been decades that I didn't update my blog, now with a new template, I think I can update it regularly. Unless I really have no time to update or I want to change a new template, then it will be left as not updated.

This term is a struggle, I had the heart not to study anymore. I felt like giving up. I didn't open the books and scan through them. The only time I opened my books was when the teachers needed us to. Grades deteriorate, the situation for me was not good. I told myself umpteen times "BUCK UP! YOUR FRIENDS ARE BETTER THAN YOU NOW! DON'T YOU WANT TO LET YOUR DAD SEE ALL THE GOOD RESULTS?". I cried after saying that; I remembered how furious I made my Dad angry last year. I didn't want to disappoint him anymore.

Ever since he was angry, I matured a lot, through many struggles with the society and people, learnt a lot of things about how complicated the world was and how safe I was at home. After tough struggles and constantly being more matured, I can know what the people is about roughly. My thoughts also have been "upgraded" to another level; being able link my life with the society, state firmly what I want to do and also, control myself with those unwanted desires. It's good to be that; you know, girls are more prone to be cheated for love, money and body.

EYE is drawing nearer each day. That was what "bucked" me up to study and be what I was in the past 6 months. I also know clearly that I shouldn't stress myself so much that it discouraged me to study too. However, without stress, I can't study well. i invented a new method, called BE MORE STRESSED, AND RELIEVE IT FAST! It means that I give myself a lot of stress and then at the same time relieves the stress too. How to do that? I shall share it with you.
-Play music that is soothing to your ear and your brain.
-Never play Techno music or any other Rock songs when you are studying. You might end up getting distracted or annoyed while doing your studying.
-Best, if you like Jay Chou, play his songs. His songs are more soothing as the rhythm is constant, makes you more focus when you're doing your revision.

There is this last step which I don't think it benefits you is talking to someone you don't know but this person should be also a good person. I discourage this method as many people don't know whether the person is good or not. I talked to this anonymous person and he is currently a NUS student, studying Life Sciences. He managed to calm me down when I said " I want to GIVE UP!" and helped me when I needed any for my subjects. 'O' levels to me, is my most important project to finish it with flying colours. It is also my only chance to let my Dad smile at me again and be what we're used to be. I was Daddy's girl; he doted on me a lot, more than my mom or my brother, just that I upsetted him as I did something he hated the most.

Many teachers or people that looked highly on me were worried for me. I know that and I'm trying my best to fight all my "I WANT TO PLAY!" and get all my "I WANT TO STUDY" to help me study. I don't want to disappoint anymore people, been a disappointment to many people. *sigh.

You've been wondering what happened to my boyfriend. I broke up with him;if you're asking why, better ask her personally. He was a nice guy, knew how to make his girl happy, thoughtful to her too and behaves too. He was my type of guy that I had been looking for. A guy that plays basketball(NBA standards), tall, a strong essence of a modern guy, will study and gets his priority right, and his future career is to be as a airplane engineer. Earns alot though after a few years of experience. Well, it's a pity we're not together anymore, but I know there will be a better guy for me in the future. I'll have to wait...

I will be getting a n73 soon! I'm so happy. I can post pictures as soon as I get it. Hahas!~ By then, everyone will start complaining why I upload so many pictures.LOLS